Striking the Balance: Critical issues facing Australian families today
Striking the Balance: Women, men, work and family
Launch Speech by Tony White
Manager, UnitingCare Burnside and Co-author of First Time Father
I would like to commend Pru Goward and her staff for developing the Discussion Paper. In particular I acknowledge the inclusion of men in the debate on the many challenges that families face in the work and home environments. It is hoped that they will also be actively involved in finding solutions that improve the lives of both men and women and most importantly improve outcomes for our children.
In recommending the Discussion Paper I declare that my special interest is indeed focused on the wellbeing of children.
In 2003 I was fortunate to be invited to attend the International Fatherhood Summit in Oxford. I was asked to represent Australia along with Associate Professor Graeme Russell from Macquarie University. The Summit brought together academics and practitioners from over 20 countries to share experiences and knowledge and to discuss core principles and a shared vision to promote the active and positive involvement of fathers in the lives of their children.
On the opening day each delegate provided a summary of their background and work with fathers. My opening statement was:
"I work with fathers - but I work for children."
This principle has driven my work over 30 years with families - as a psychologist and manager of health and welfare services. The Discussion Paper raises many of the issues that have impacted on my work over this time. I would like to focus on some of the pressures faced by men and women in the most important job in our community - parenting.
It is true as stated in the Paper that in the majority of homes women have borne the greater responsibility for caring and other unpaid work. This fact appears contradictory when we look at research into beliefs and attitudes regarding what should happen. Recent research consistently confirms that the vast majority of both men and women believe that household and childcare responsibilities should be shared equally - particularly if both partners work. Why the discrepancy between expectation and reality?
There is, I believe no single answer to this dilemma. I would, however like to contribute some of my experiences and analysis to the discussion.
Firstly I believe an important factor that impacts on the reality of family life is the unreal and unfair expectations we place on women as they become mothers. All women, regardless of life experiences, current circumstances, dreams or desires are expected to accept all aspects of parenting when they give birth. They are also expected to automatically know what to do, when to do it, how to respond to the needs of children simply because they have indeed given birth.
I have seen the result of this pressure many times over my working life. As a child and family psychologist I provided a service to Early Childhood services in an area of Sydney. I was at first surprised, then dismayed at the number of women referred to me approximately six weeks after the birth of their baby. They were experiencing the effects of sleep deprivation and overwhelming feelings of responsibility for their infant. They would start by saying they couldn't cope. What saddened me was that they related this lack of coping with something being wrong with them as women. Something was lacking. They felt they should be able to cope simply because they were women. This I regard as not only unfair but a pressure that has contributed to women accepting this self fulfilling prophecy - I am expected to cope so I will. This I believe as an important factor in why women too often continue to accept and carry out the majority of child rearing responsibilities in too many homes.
What about the other part of the equation - the dad. As stated there is an increasing expectation that fathers share more equitably in household and child care responsibilities. At the same time many still exist under the image of fathers as providers and protectors of the family - an image that persists even with the reality of women increasingly returning to the workforce.
It is important to identify some of the other barriers that prevent many fathers from taking a more active role in family life.
The Discussion Paper identifies a number of work related issues that impact on both men and women - increased working hours, maternity and paternity leave provisions, family friendly work policies and practices and attitudes of employers. I would like to relate the experience of a dad who was part of a program I run for first time fathers in Coffs Harbour.
He worked in a government office and before he became a dad played in a local football team. He told me about a time he came to work on a Monday sore and sorry after a weekend game. His supervisor spotted this limping individual and told him he should be home resting and in fact sent him home to do just that. Following the birth of his baby the dad approached the same supervisor requesting time off to attend the local Early Childhood Centre with his partner for the baby's checkup. The response from his supervisor was 'why would you want to do that?' He didn't get the time off. Why would you want to do that?
The reality is that the role of fathers is still seen by many to begin when their child can kick a football, needs help with their homework or requires discipline. In caring for babies and infants they are too often regarded as uninterested, unnecessary, incompetent and even dangerous. Their role in the care of babies is not valued. As with any sphere of our life if our role is not valued we will be less likely to contribute.
And yet this early period of attachment and connecting is critical in the development of a relationship between parent and child. We recognise the importance of the early days for mothers and babies yet too often ignore or minimise the benefits for the development of the father-child relationship.
In the program I developed for first time fathers one of our primary objectives is to encourage fathers to be actively involved in the care of their child from the beginning. To do this we had to first raise awareness of the importance and the benefits of this involvement - benefits to his child, benefits to his partner and benefits for himself in laying a foundation for a strong and nurturing relationship by hands on involvement from the beginning. We then promote discussion of how couples can work together in all aspects of family life.
We do not work with men alone. We work with couples during the pregnancy and following the birth. We do not present caring for children as a gender based activity. We promote a team approach to parenting with a focus on the needs of their child. We encourage couples to discuss, debate and plan their parenting roles together. The results of the program are encouraging. External evaluation conducted by Graeme Russell showed that when men were recognised, valued and included in the program there were increases in the level of satisfaction of the program reported by both men and women. The evaluation also showed significant differences for fathers who had experienced an approach that includes them and affirms the importance of their role as fathers, when compared with a control group. Fathers who had been involved in the program rated themselves as being more competent and confident as parents and were more satisfied with family life, their relationship with their child and with what they did as a parent. Anyone who works with children will recognise that these are protective elements in the area of child protection.
From my experiences in this program and indeed over my 30 years of work in this area I can say that all new fathers want the best for their child. The challenge is to value that vision and help men turn the motivation into active and positive involvement in the lives of their children from the beginning.
My experience also tells me that if men become actively involved in the care of their child from the beginning then they are more likely to continue as an active and sharing partner as the child grows. The patterns of care started in the early days will benefit the dad, his partner and of course the child in the journey of family life.
I have recently been privileged to co-author a book with Graeme Russell called First Time Father. It combines the experiences of fathers with the findings of research to provide information and options for men as they start the incredible journey of fatherhood. It addresses many of the issues raised in the Discussion Paper. It recognises the challenges faced by both men and women in their most important role as parents and promotes a team approach to parenting.
We don't provide one prescriptive model for family life but encourage couples to share the responsibilities of family life in the strong belief that working as a team will not only strengthen their relationship but improve outcomes for their children.
In taking up the challenges posed in the Striking the Balance Discussion Paper I would ask that you remember that parenting is about children. I believe that if the focus is on improving outcomes for children we stand a greater chance of men and women working together as a team to truly share the responsibilities for all aspects of family life.
The Discussion Paper also provides a unique opportunity for all sections of the community to work together with parents to address the challenges of balancing work and family demands.
I again applaud the work of Pru Goward and her staff in developing the paper and promoting discussion on critical issues facing families today and in closing would ask that in all your discussions, debate and feedback you continually ask the question:
How will this improve outcomes for our children?
